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The comfort of
memorial websites
– Emine Saner (The Guardian, October 2009)
Most of the people who left messages this week on online
memorial sites, expressing their disbelief, sorrow and grief,
had never met Georgia Rowe or Neve Lafferty, the two girls who
killed themselves on Sunday night. Only a few hours after the
news that their bodies had been found in the River Clyde came
through, memorial websites had already been created.
Memorial websites are sites where friends and family members
upload photographs, sometimes videos and favourite music tracks,
with space for people to leave their memories and messages of
condolence. Many sites are not private and can be viewed, and
added to, by anyone.
As well as messages that have been left on their profiles at
social networking site Bebo, tribute pages for Rowe and Lafferty
have been created on other specialist memorial sites, including
Friends at Rest, Gone Too Soon, Lasting Tribute. More messages
have been left in the comments field of stories about their
deaths on local newspapers' sites.
On Friends at Rest, someone called Karen Peters writes to Rowe:
"God bless sweetheart. I didn't know you that well but I can
only begin to imagine what you must have been going through."
And on Lafferty's page, Jeremy Gibson writes: "You were so young
and it was such a tragic end to your life. I was so sorry to
hear about your story. I hope you have finally found peace."
Their pictures sit alongside "featured celebrity memorials".
Prominent are Patrick Swayze and Michael Jackson.
The blossoming of memorial websites is a relatively new
phenomenon. "I think there were two things that happened," says
Jonathan Davies, who founded memorial site Much Loved."The death
of Diana brought about a change in how we grieve publicly, and
then the internet connected people and provided a place for it.
Two or three years ago, when we launched, we were quite
unusual." Now there are lots of host sites, he points out, as
well as families and friends starting their own pages.
Davies set up his site, which currently has around 12,000
memorials, in 2007, 12 years after his brother died suddenly at
the age of 21. "It was a drugs-related death and I think this
was one of the reasons why his friends didn't get in touch with
our family – there was a police investigation, and I think his
friends were worried about how we would react, which led to this
wall of silence," he says. "I think that actually made our
grieving period worse. I felt a website would have opened up the
channels of communication."
He believes other families gain comfort from memorial sites.
"People thought it was a bit morbid, and I suppose in a sense it
is, but in a good way. Some people set up memorials very soon
after someone's death – it is a way of coming to terms with what
has happened, and a way to express anger and grief and a place
for other family members to express condolences. We get a lot
set up for young babies, or babies who died at birth, which is a
way for parents to create something tangible."
Does it say something about us as a society, that something so
private as grief is now often done so publicly? "I do think
grief is becoming embraced more by communities – by that I mean
people outside the immediate family. I remember in the mid-90s,
when my brother died, people would ignore us because they didn't
know what to say. That's beginning to change now."
The popularity of online memorials is probably down to the
convenience of leaving a message on a website rather than going
out, buying flowers, writing a card and leaving it in a place
where other people have done the same, as people did in such
massive numbers after the death of Diana or of Holly Wells and
Jessica Chapman in Soham. If our private lives are more public
than ever, thanks partly to Twitter, Facebook and numerous other
social networking sites, so it is with our deaths.
But is this outpouring of grief, often for celebrities, but
also for those in the news, such as Lafferty and Rowe, people
the mourners might never have met, actually genuine? "It is,
absolutely," says clinical psychologist Oliver James, "because
they are talking about themselves. What is happening is that
instead of gaining insight, they are acting out. Instead of
properly apprehending their own difficulties, a large proportion
of the people who leave these messages are identifying with the
difficulties of someone else and emoting. Although the feeling
is authentic and truly felt, there is a histrionic dimension to
it."
Much Loved is run as a registered charity, aimed at helping
families to set up their own sites, but you can't escape the
feeling that other sites might have more cynical motives. On
Lasting Tribute, which is owned by the Daily Mail newspaper
group, there is a shop where you can buy personalised candles,
benches and jewellery. For £1, you can also leave a virtual
"gift" on people's pages – these include pictures of teddy
bears, flags, a pint of beer or a heart. The site set up for
Georgia Rowe – which, at the time of writing did not have any
tributes, includes a link to the local newspaper's report on her
death. A newspaper owned by the Daily Mail group.
You can get all your printing done – bookmarks, cards, memorial
keyrings and magnets – through Gone Too Soon, which also
features adverts for holiday cottages and genealogists. Its
administrators add tribute pages for celebrities such as Patrick
Swayze (which has attracted nearly 500 tributes), and Keith
Floyd, as soon as they die. The site encourages people to set up
memorials, making it clear that you don't have to be a close
friend or relation. "Don't think it's not your place to set up a
site. You would not be encroaching on other family members'
territory," it writes. Proceeds from the virtual "gifts", also
£1 each, contribute to running the site.
The site probably does bring comfort to bereaved families,
though it also encourages people to set up pages for pets –
which doesn't sit entirely comfortably with memorials to
stillborn babies. Isn't all this public grieving, and the
voyeuristic nature of it, all a bit mawkish? "You could say the
same about people walking around graveyards looking at
headstones, or leaving flowers at the spot where someone has
died," says Davis. "But as long as it is done in the right way –
and a memorial website can be – then it provides a time for
reflection."
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New
code of conduct for virtual grieving
– Bertan Budak (The Guardian, December 2007)
The memorial websites where bereaved people can virtually visit
loved ones - viewing pictures, videos and recorded messages,
lighting virtual candles, and even leaving comments - now have
their own code of conduct. This follows some embarrassing
episodes in which a tribute on the site gonetoosoon.co.uk for a
boy named Ryan featured an advert for Ryanair, and another case
where a memorial for a woman named Sheila had an accompanying
advert linked to Sheila's Wheels car insurance.
The voluntary code, at thememorialcode.org,
offers five principles to the making and running of such sites -
such as that the tribute creator should have the right to
privacy and be allowed to grieve and remember without hindrance,
and that both initial and recurring costs should be clearly
displayed, along with full contact details for the service
provider.
Jonathan Davis, who founded the memorial site muchloved.com
after the death of his brother Philip in 1995, has been
campaigning since June for the code to protect site users from
unwanted attention and hidden charges. He created it with four
other memorial organisations - missyou.org.uk,
tributetimes.co.uk, thelastrespect.com and
remembered-forever.org. According to muchloved.com, a charity
memorial website, 80% of their users are female and a quarter of
their tributes are for people aged over 50.
"Bereaved individuals are very vulnerable and often they'll try
to find something beneficial to help them through the grieving
process," says Denise Kantor, the media consultant for
bereavement agency Cruse, which offers free information and
advice to adults and children affected by a death. "Nowadays, a
memorial website is a common place to grieve - a lot of people
are doing it and find the support these websites offer them very
helpful."
But the sites have to pay their way, and that has led to the
problems. Ad-supported sites run the risk of offence if the
wrong contextual ad is used; those that rely on fees and
donations can't be sure that a single payment now will keep the
site running for the future.
"People who grieve online are often leaving themselves open to
abuse from strangers and companies that are hoping to cash in on
the bereaved," says Sophia Dixon, who deleted a tribute to her
mother Gladys on gonetoosoon.co.uk after the advertising
controversy. "I tried contacting the site organisers but they
don't supply an email address, only a phone number which costs
£1 per minute".
But his decision to carry ads means some regular users who have
removed their tributes in disgust are unlikely to return. ‘Talk
about selling out,’ wrote one. ‘It smacks of selling your
granny.’
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Computers
made our grieving easier
– Clare Grant (Yours Magazine July 2007)
For many of us who have lost loved ones, visiting a churchyard
or a crematorium is not always possible. We might live too far
away, we might dread crying in public or find the journey too
difficult.
But now thousands of grieving spouses, parents and grandparents
are finding an unlikely source of comfort – their home computer.
They are turning to tribute pages on special websites, set up
so families can remember lost loved ones. And a quarter of all
users are aged over 50.
These increasingly popular cyber sites allow you to record your
thoughts, display photos, play videos and listen to your chosen
music. They can be private, or a way of sharing memories with
friends and family. And you can visit your own memorial any
time.
Experts say that it’s not unusual for older users to wait some
time before setting up a tribute website, because they often
need to come to terms with their grief first.
Charity website founder Jonathan Davies, who launched
www.muchloved.com this year, says: “Bereavement websites are a
response to our changing needs. After my brother died I climbed
over the fence of the graveyard one evening to visit his grave
because it was closed when I needed to go. You can visit a
website any time or place which is very important.”
Bereavement service manager Nikki Archer, who works at St Giles
Hospice in Lichfield believes tribute websites will soon become
more widespread.
She explains “Twenty years ago, no one put flowers on a
roadside following an accident, but this is usual practice now.
The way we accept people’s grief is changing. We are more
tolerant of accepting expressions of emotions like flowers or
books of condolences.
“The way we used to cope with death was to try to minimize its
impact with rituals. But the events like the death of the
Princess of Wales show we are expressing our grief differently
because society is less formal.
“I tell people about websites because they can meet the needs
of so many people of all ages. They are definitely here to
stay.”
Bereavement experts advise
- There are many tribute websites, so decide what is important
to you, such as choosing a charity website.
- Check the on-going costs of your Tribute.
- Make sure your site is password-protected so it can remain
private.
- Establish that the site doesn’t have promotional advert
links that you don’t like, and avoid sites that look tacky or
play unpleasant music.
- Some websites, such as www.missyou.org.uk and
www.muchloved.com are developing a voluntary code of conduct,
signing up to minimum standards, such as saying what happens
to any money generated.
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Family Fury at
‘bad taste’ memorial
– Jamie Doward (The Observer June 2007)
Users of Gonetoosoon, the popular online memorial site that
allows members of the public to post their respects to deceased
friends and family, are deleting their tributes after it started
carrying ‘distasteful’ ads.
The decision to link the website through Google to online ads
for everything from financial services to CD’s has caused a
furore among regular visitors to the site.
They say some of the ads are particularly distasteful. In one
case, an online memorial for a boy called Ryan featured an
advert for Ryanair. Another, for a woman called Sheila, linked
to Sheila’s Wheels car insurance. A person called Watts was
linked to an ad for light bulbs. A tribute to a boy killed in a
motorcycle accident carried an ad for a new motorbike while
memorials for babies had promotions for nappies and prams.
There is no suggestion the companies involved knew that links
to their adverts were being carried on the website.
Within hours of the company’s decision to carry advertising,
hundreds of users started expressing their disgust.
‘The last thing I need to see on my site is an advert for Owens
conveyor belts,’ wrote one site user. ‘My darling daughter was
cremated. How sick to put that there. I am horrified.’
Another wrote: ‘Can you really trust a site which posts an
advert of Ian Huntley’s biography – not only on my beautiful
friend Ian’s site, but on a website that also has a memorial for
Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman?’
One woman wrote: ‘How sick is it that the site of poor Ellie
Lawrenson who was savaged by a dog has an advert saying how to
protect your family! I will never ever visit GTS again after
this.’
In the face of an overwhelming backlash, the site stopped
carrying advertising last week.
In a statement posted on the site, Terry George Kernachan, a
Yorkshire-based entrepreneur, insisted Gonetoosoon was a ‘labour
of love’ which had so far cost him £27,000 to set up and run.
But he said that he had never expected it to be so popular and
that he had to look at ways of bringing in revenue to cover
mounting costs. The only fee users pay is a £1 per minute charge
for calls to a technical service helpline.
‘It seemed like a good idea to put sensitive ads on the site to
help pay for some of the costs and our users would suffer no
financial loss,’ Kernachan wrote on the Gonetoosoon website.
‘This turned out to be somewhat inappropriate and was quickly
removed. A debate was opened up on the site and some positive
suggestions arose from it.’
However, some users of the site point out that it has made
great efforts to build up its online profile. Gonetoosoon offers
a £500 reward to any bereaved family that shares its story with
the media as a way of promoting the site. Staff at the website
also call the families of the recently deceased asking them if
they would like a free online tribute.
The site also encourages people to set up memorials for those
they don’t know. ‘Don’t think it’s not your place to set up a
site,’ Gonetoosoon says. ‘You would not be encroaching on other
family members’ territory.’
The site’s popularity has led to claims the site encourages
‘car crash’ voyeurism in the online world. Celebrity tributes to
deceased stars such as snooker player Paul Hunter and footballer
Alan Ball, have earned Gonetoosoon hundreds of thousands of
hits. Visitors to the site can also send an email to the website
that ‘lights a candle’ icon, showing the deceased is in a
person’s thoughts.
The burgeoning popularity of so-called ‘cyber graveyards’ has
prompted calls for them to be regulated. Jon Davies, creator of
Muchloved, a charitable online memorial site, said he would be
consulting other sites to ensure grieving families views were
respected.
‘We aim to establish a code of conduct to prevent this sort of
thing happening again,’ Davies said. ‘In this way we hope
something positive can come out of this.’
Kernachan, a director of eight media companies, declined to
talk to The Observer. He is now encouraging users to make a
contribution to Gonetoosoon to help keep the site free.
But his decision to carry ads means some regular users who have
removed their tributes in disgust are unlikely to return. ‘Talk
about selling out,’ wrote one. ‘It smacks of selling your
granny.’
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